Tonight?s first one-on-one date goes to Lesley M. the Political Consultant. Sean takes her to the Guiness Museum on Hollywood Boulevard which, sidebar, is about two miles from where I live.
I always laugh to myself when people who don?t live in Hollywood see Hollywood Boulevard on television and imagine it?s full of beautiful people and swanky restaurants, when in fact the only things to do there are pose for pictures with an out of work actor in a bad Mickey Mouse costume, shop for a mini license plate with your name on it, and eat a ten dollar hot dog in the gutter while watching the security guard chase junkies out of Rite-Aid.
Sean and Lesley are going to try and break the world record for the longest on-screen kiss, everybody!
You heard that right. The longest on-screen kiss. Not the longest kiss, which is fifty hours, 25 minutes and 1 second. The longest on-screen kiss is only three minutes and fifteen seconds. Hell, I kissed my pillow longer than that when I was in puberty.
Personally, I wouldn?t want to kiss either Sean or Lesley for three minutes. We?ve all been in that position where we suddenly realize we?ve reached the point where we no longer wish to kiss the person we?re kissing? but they still seem to really be into it, so we just keep going while we ponder the things we never have time to ponder otherwise in life? like why yogurt can suddenly stay way longer in the fridge than it could twenty years ago, or what the white guy on CHiPs is doing now.
I personally don?t need to kiss for more than thirty seconds if I?m fully clothed, forty seconds if there?s a television in the room, and a minute max if there?s a cute little kitty around I could be shaking a string at. ?Three minutes of kissing is pretty fucked up for any human being as far as I?m concerned.
Well, surprise? they broke the record. There must have been at least three and a half ounces of confetti launched into the air. ?Then all the people who?d been standing around?in one place on Hollywood Boulevard distracted did what they always do? frantically checked to see if they still had their wallets and wondered how far it was to Sea World.
By the way, no one on the show mentioned who in fact had the record for longest on-screen kiss before Sean and Lesley. I spent some of my evening trying to research it, until I realized I?d actually found something to do with my time that was even more pathetic than recapping The Bachelor, so I quit.
By the way, Lesley got a rose, and later that evening another kiss from Sean. ?This time he used his tongue. ?It was gross, and this is coming from a guy who?s already freely admitted to you that he used to make out with his own bedding.
Here we are on the Group Date!
Sean wants to lay back and throw around the football at the beach. I?d be out already. I can neither throw nor catch, I have no idea how many people make up a football team, I don?t know what a conference is, and black and white vertical stripes on a man is just plain gauche!
I?ll be over here making sand pies.
It was hardly Olympic-level physicality, folks. ?The girls shouted things like ?Look alive!? and ?Call it!? ? But basically all they did was run in circles and squeal tirelessly, the way a puppy might if you tied a Snausage to his tail.
Later that evening, Desiree the Bridal Stylist bravely admitted to Sean that she was the kind of girl who lived life to the fullest! ?Lindsay the Substitute Teacher bravely?admitted to Sean that she was the kind of girl who didn?t need constant attention! ?Kacie B. bravely?admitted to Sean that she?s not a dramatic person! ?I was reminded of the time I was inspired to bravely admit that I like to skip for no reason and can still fit into my high school pants! ?I felt so good about myself, but I didn?t get a second interview.
You can?t just put ?Personal? and ?Organizer? together and call it a profession. ?What if everyone forged their careers that way? ?Think how many Cinnamon Roll Smellers we?d have!
I feel like the producers of The Bachelor have a strategy: when they really want you to like one of the girls competing for the man?s heart, they shove them into a date where they?ll look selfless and wholesome. ?When they?re trying to make you think the girl?s a psycho, they make her jump off a cliff or a skyscraper hoping she?ll whimper and mumble hysterically so we can feel superior.
And of course, when it?s a girl who?s comparatively homely-looking, they make her hunt for bugs in a cave, or process her own pork at a slaughtering plant.
Yeah, I?ve cracked this code, and we can all just sit back and learn to like AshLee? she?ll be with us for some time to come.
AshLee also admitted to being abused as a child. ?If you?re keeping track tonight, we?ve had child abuse and chronic disease, and though I haven?t mentioned it yet, don?t forget there?s a girl with only one arm. ?Is it The Bachelor or a very special episode of Little House on the Prairie? ?You make the call.
And Cover Girl Kristy, ?It would have been a fairy tale. ?I hope my chance for love will come some day. Uh? I?m sorry.?
And that?s the way the mitochondria malfunctioned on this week?s episode of The Bachelor. ?It?s taken me so long to write this recap, I?ve broken my own world record for holding in my pee. ?Come back next week. ?Bitches are gonna be doin? roller derby!
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Source: http://tvfoodanddrink.com/2013/01/bachelor-sean-lowe-recap-january-21-2013/
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